mixtapes fund terrorism, says RIAA

New York – Last Week: Hunt for WMD (Weapons of Musical Destruction) in Kim's

In New York last week the infamous Mondo Kim's music store in the East Village was raided by a mcCombo of NYPD and RIAA agent(s). It is widely reported that Osama bin Laden was hiding in the labyrinthine tunnels of the storage rooms, duplicating mixtapes for a terrorist organisation known as "hip-hop."

"Hip-hop DJs are known smugglers of counterfeit sonic messages," said Brad Bucklez of the RIAA, formerly known as the Recording Industry Association of America, recently remixed to Right Inspiration Aborting Artists. "It's not that we're against the content–we're not censors," said Bucklez, wishing to clarify. "We just want to ensure that we as a violent enforcement organisation–and one that maintains its own armed and bullet-jacketed attack squadron–that we are receiving the percentage cutback we so obviously deserve as top-level commanders of American Culture™."

Five Kim's employees were arrested, now known as The Kim's 5. Southern State history textbooks have already confirmed their classification as descendants from the race of Cain, like The Weathermen, Rosa Parks and Hunter S. Thompson. The 5 includes the two "pseudo-artists" Chuck Bettis and I-Sound. "They're not real artists" said Bucklez. "They're not with the big 5 record companies–the only official organisations we recognize as providing America-Safe patriotic music. These are counterfeit 'artists' whose only interest is faking music™ and then selling it through suspicious labels that are truly covert operations for pirates–like Duchamp, Cage or DJ Spooky," he added.

Bucklez confirmed that although hip-hop "artists" support mixtape production and often guest-star on the turntablist recordings, they were acting against their own interests. "These kids don't know what they're doin'" he said, "hip-hop is a young genre, it's only been around for a few years, and it could learn a lot from more established and patriotic genres such as 'Clear Channel Country'."

The nefarious counterfeit merchandise has been replaced with copies of Rumsfeld Sings and the hit U.S. military videogame, America's Army.

In related news, Mixtape Awards founder Justo Faison died in a "car accident" in Virginia on May 13th.


Abe Burmeister / Abe Again

Kelefa Sanneh in the NYT

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posted. Thu - June 16, 2005 @ 10:43 AM           |